


You're Allowed to Be Sad

by ElectricPool



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, angus is Best lil bro, mango is Sad and so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 09:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricPool/pseuds/ElectricPool
Summary: Johan has been dead for two years. Magnus still finds himself grieving.





	You're Allowed to Be Sad

It’s not the first time Magnus remembers, and Pan only knows it won't be the last, but it’s just as painful, gut wrenching, heart shattering as it ever was.

He can feel the bile rising in his throat, his spit getting thicker, and he knows he won't make it to the bathroom in time. He grabs the wastebasket by his bed and empties his stomach into it. Angus had put a liner in the last time they'd cleaned. The boy must have known more than he let on.

And it wasn't like he and Johan had ever been close. Friends, definitely. You see someone every day, share a bond with an animal with them, you can call them your friend.

Magnus heaves again.

But it was so jarring to think of a party without Johan’s music, without Avi teasing Johan and watching the two of them flirt endlessly. It was jarring to think of not seeing him in passing. Magnus had lost a constant in his world _again_ and it hurt.

He sets the basket back on the floor and wipes his mouth with his shirtsleeve. He needs to find something to fiddle with or he’ll mess up the nail job Angus did for him yesterday. There are little stars on each of his nails. One, two, three, four… He counts all the stars, and that helps a bit.

Avi was worse off than Magnus ever gets, and Magnus knows that, has seen the man try to drown himself in his work, in a bottle, in old music composed by Johan. He’s sat up with Avi to help him cope several nights in the past two years. Magnus knows he has no right to really grieve. Lucretia, he knew, had been working tirelessly to put together an anthology worthy of Faerun’s greatest bard, although the manuscript would need to be recopied due to tea and tear stains. _She_ had the right to mourn.

Magnus takes a long, hard look at the clock. 3 in the morning. He knows he won't be getting back to sleep anytime soon. He strips out of his pajamas and tosses them in the hamper. (Another idea from Ango.) He spends a good hour in the shower, eucalyptus and spearmint steaming up the room. He’s thankful that their house has separate bathrooms so Angus doesn't wake up.

Magnus misses the hell out of Johan. He misses their banter, he misses their inside jokes, misses the constancy of their casual friendship. He cries a bit in the shower, even though he knows he has no right.

He dries off, gets dressed in his day clothes. It’s Saturday, so when morning rolls around, he needs to walk Angus over to Merle’s for Mavis’s birthday party. He needs to make sure Angus gets a good breakfast in beforehand or he’ll get sick on cake later. He needs to do laundry, too, and finish up that bench for Hurley. He needs to focus. He needs to focus. He-

Magnus realises he’s curled up on the floor again, knees tight against his chest. There’s a knock on his bedroom door.

“Magnus? Are you awake?” It’s Angus. He sounds like he’s been awake for a while.

“Door’s open, kiddo,” Magnus croaks out. His throat still feels harsh from the dry heaving. Angus opens the door. He’s still in his day clothes from yesterday. Did he even sleep?

“Did it happen again, sir?” Magnus nods. “Johan again,” he replies, still in a ball. It’s not the most helpful, but the pressure helps him a little bit.

Angus sits on the floor next to him. He looks worried. He shouldn't worry about Magnus, he should worry about his detective work, about Mavis and how cute he thinks she is, about Carey and Killian’s new dog. Kid stuff. Not, well.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. The clock ticks in the background. “...You’re allowed to be sad,” Angus says finally, holding a hand above Magnus’s arm.

Magnus nods weakly. Angus sets his hand on his arm. Magnus can't speak anymore, won't speak anymore, because he knows if he does he’ll lose what little composure he has and he has to be strong for Angus.

“Just because you didn't know him as well doesn't mean you can't still be sad,” Angus tells him, voice soft. He’s done this before. “You care so much about everybody, sir. It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.” Angus rubs his hand up and down Magnus’s forearm.

Magnus takes a deep breath and lets it out again. In for four, out for eight. Johan taught him that much, one night in the voidfish’s chamber. In, out. He manages to uncurl and stretches out his legs, leaned up against the side of his bed. Angus sits in his lap and they hold each other for a long while in silence. They both know Angus takes care of Magnus as much as Magnus takes care of Angus.

“...Hey, Ango.”

“Yeah?” They get up off the floor. It’s 5:30. Magnus is pretty sure they dozed off.

“You mind if we take the long way to Merle’s and stop by the monument?”

“Not at all.”

It’s still a while before they normally make breakfast, but some days call for pancake picnics while the sun rises.

Magnus misses Johan. Maybe not in the same way that the others do, but he still does.

Maybe he’ll ask Avi and Lucretia over for a drink and some games tonight. He thinks they'd like that. 

**Author's Note:**

> This, admittedly, is based a bit around my experience with losing a friend. She died unexpectedly about two years ago and while we weren't close, it still hit hard. I'm planning on visiting her grave soon with another friend of hers, maybe give her some flowers. 
> 
> Tell your friends you love them <3 They appreciate it more than you might think.


End file.
